Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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