Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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