Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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