Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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