You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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