I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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