I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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