Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
