mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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