It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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