I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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