I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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