she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
