i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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