Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
