You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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