i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
