Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
