Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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