i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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