Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
