Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
