my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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