maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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