you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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