I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
