at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
