Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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