I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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