she woke up with a sticky ear
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
