I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
one might say we're banned from that church
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
