Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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