Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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