mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
