It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
