i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
