dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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