I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh god it's open bar.
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