i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
