There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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