i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
