there's paper in my vomit.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
