god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
