I can't breathe out the right side of my face
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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