Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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