Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
