I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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