Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
