Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
