M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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