1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
