And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
