I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
