You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize