ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
