I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
