Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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