I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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