alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
