We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
