tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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