I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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