actually, I'm a sock model
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
